What Happens In Volterra, STAYS In Volterra
by Mama Rose
Summary: One day, while Esme, Carlise, Bella, Alice, and Renesmee are out of town, Jacob and Jasper find themselves bored. They get the rest of the family into a scheme that turns out for the mind-scarring worst.


Jasper walked up to Jake and sat down next to him.

"Hey," he said. "What's up?"

"Nothing. Literally. I'm so bored it's not even funny. Nessie's down in Texas with Alice, and Bella's up in Denali."

"Yeah, I feel your pain. There's Allie down there, and I have to see Edward moping about because of Bella and Nessie. He seriously needs to get some adventure in his life."

"Tell me about it. Life's really a drag when he's around. Killjoy!"

"Hey," Jasper said a devilish gleam in his eyes. "Why don't we make life just a little bit more exciting for our little Eddy?"

"Like what, a strip club?"

"Yeah, sure!"

"Okay. But one problem, he's not going to go for that sober. And I'm pretty sure vampires can't get drunk, can they?" he added the last bit with a truly curious look.

"Well," Jasper said slowly. "Not in the way that humans can. But if he were to drink a drunk human's blood, than he would in turn become as drunk until the alcohol count in his system was overworked."

"Somehow I really don't think that he's gonna go for that."

"I know. But there's another way,"

Jake's eyes were wide, his pupils shaking. He was very obviously considering the possibilities of a drunken Edward. "How?"

"Well, how do you marinade an animal? You just soak it with the liquid and it absorbs all the flavor, right? Well, it's the same principle. If a vampire drinks the marinated animal's blood, than we'll also become drunk!"

"Brilliant!"

The boys smiled as they loped towards the Cullen residence, Jake in wolf form. When they got to the house Jake changed in the trees, so as not to get Rosalie wanting to kill him already, before they dragged Emmett into this.

They walked in to find Rosalie sitting on the couch and watching a modeling show.

"Jasper," she greeted them without looking up. "Dog."

"Psycho Blonde," he said companionably, sitting next to her. "What's on?"

"America's Next Top Model." She answered, followed by a scoff. "Oh, please!"

"What?"

"They could have SO picked much prettier people to do this shoot! These girls are HIDEOUS!!!"

"Rose," Emmett said as he waked into the room. "Why do you even watch that?"

"There's nothing better to do."

"I could think of a few things…"

"Emmett!" Jacob complained. "Please!"

"Besides," Jasper put in. "That's sort of what we're here about."

They explained their plot to Emmett, not realizing that Rose was listening in.

"I am SO IN!" Emmett cried, offering Jake and Jasper his fists, which they promptly took.

"No way," Rose said from the couch, turning the TV off. "There is absolutely no way that ya'll are doing that! And Jasper, your Texas side is rubbing off on me! I just said ya'll! YA'LL!!!"

"Oh, come on, Rose! Why not?"

"Because! I promised Bella that I would watch Edward."

"Come on, sis," Jasper said, sending off an aura that made her excited to follow along with their plan.

"Okay!" she said, now smiling. "But I get to go, too."

They exchanged glances, and than Emmett shrugged. "Why not?"

They smiled and Jake took Emmett to go buy the alcohol while Rosalie and Jasper hunted a large mountain lion, not draining the blood, but just breaking its neck. When the boys came back they marinated it until they could smell the alcohol tainting the blood.

Edward came in and drank the blood they offered him until he was truly and royally drunk!

Emmett managed to get drunk as well, and came up with a spontaneous idea that had them all chomping at the bit.

Rather than their previously mentioned plan, Emmett proposed that they instead enlist Garret, who had recently acquired a jet and flying lessons, to fly them over Volterra. They would throw out a hot-tub, then jump, starkers, and try to land in it. Afterwards, of course, they would run away before anyone knew who they were. It was a truly brilliant plan!!!

No one was nervous as they pushed the tub out of the jet, and jumped after it. In fact, no one was even nervous as they hit the ground running, Jacob last because he wasn't stone and had fallen just a little bit slower.

It had worked! They all ran laughing out of Italy, though Rosalie had no clue where they were going.

The next morning, in some city somewhere that Rose was pretty sure wasn't in Europe, they grabbed a morning newspaper from a stand. When they saw the picture on the front page they all halted in their tracks. There, in bold print, was a picture of Jacob's nude self in all his glory.

"NOT GOOD!!!" Rosalie cried, pulling out her cell phone and dialing Alice's number. "Al!" she screamed into the receiver, borderline hysterical.

"Rosie calm down! Where are you?"

"I-I-I- I don't know!"

"Okay, Rosie, calm down!"

"I think we're somewhere in Europe,"

"Okay, we're getting somewhere! Now, why exactly are you in Europe?"

Rosalie explained everything to the absolute best of her ability.

"What? I'm going to KILL those boys!"

"I knew you'd be mad! I just KNEW you'd be mad at me!" Rosalie said in between dry sobs.

"Rosie, calm down! I'm SOOO not mad at you! At your husband, sure. At mine, definitely! But not at you!"

Rosalie kept on crying and suddenly broke in. "We're somewhere in Spain! We're on a nude beach in Spain!"

"Spain?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, then. I'll tell Carlisle and he'll be right…"

"NO!!!"

"Rose, calm down! Why not?"

"He'll be mad at me-e-e!" she broke down.

"No, he won't! He won't, Rosalie!"

"Yes he will! You're LYING!!!"

"Rosalie, give me Jasper!"

"I can't!"

"Why?"

"He went to go buy us some clothes!"

"You mean that you are STILL NAKED!!!"

"See! You're mad at us!"

"Rose, give Emmett the phone!"

"I can't!"

"And why not?"

"Because he and Jake are out here doing a strip tease!"

"WHAT? Well, how about Edward?"

"He just joined them."

"Oh dear lord! Carlisle's on his way!"

"NO!"

"WHY NOT?"

"I DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME NAKED!!!"

"What? That's it?"

"That's it? Do you want your father seeing YOU naked?'

"Rose! You'll jump naked out of the sky in front of a city of people, but you don't want Carlisle to see? You know he saw it when you were changed!"

"I don't ca-re!" she sobbed.

"Rose! He's already on his way."

Suddenly Rosalie gave a shrill scream.

"What is it, Rosie?"

"THEY'RE HERE!!!"

"What are you talking about?"

"ARO AND CARLISLE!!! THEY DECIDED TO JOIN U-U-US!!!"

"Oh my GOD!!! Run!"

Rosalie and her siblings, as well as Jacob, all ran, and didn't stop until they were safely in Texas! When they got back Alice called again.

"Rosie, take everyone to this town called Peaster. That's where I am, and this'll be fine."

"No," she said, not over her hysterics. "Me and Emmett are gonna stay in Weatherford! Jake and Edward are gonna go to some strip clubs, like they'd planned, in Fort Worth or Dallas. Jasper's gonna join them, I think."

"THE HELL HE IS!!!"

THE END


End file.
